On Love, Work & Identity, by Stuart Baker-Brown

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On Love, Work & Identity

by Stuart Baker-Brown

I have received a request from Irked asking if I could write some words on the effects of love, work and identity whilst coping with a disability such as schizophrenia. The issues, I have to say, are huge and have great effect on my life and instead of the 1000 words I have allowed myself I could write 6000 or even more. Such is the complexity and importance of the subjects in my own and others lives.

So, I will get straight to the point and say that having the diagnosis of schizophrenia and living with my symptoms has taken away many opportunities with all three topics. My illness has made “love” very difficult and has taken away opportunity for work. As for identity, my schizophrenia has left me unsure of who I really am and has taken much of my “true identity” away and replaced it with an identity that has often been assumed by others. This is because of the labels and misconceptions that are attached to my illness.

I feel that since my diagnosis my “identity” has been made for me, and I am Stuart Baker-Brown schizophrenic, and labeled, as many are with schizophrenia, as troublesome, a potential threat, delusional, odd, and generally as someone who should be avoided.

As though that’s all I am capable of being!

In reality the above is far from the truth and is a mistaken identity projected on me by many who know nothing about my illness. I am the first to admit, yes, I can be unintentionally troublesome but I have reasons. Many strange things have happened to me, which have scared me, caused confusion, and caused me to seem strange to others. But my real identity is a man who is greater than his illness, a man who cares and loves, and a man who strives to be good and strong and creative in life. A man who wants to help others and who is most definitely not a threat to society. Nor am I a man who is delusional and hears voices.

In fact I am, like any good man worth his weight, a man who is far less a threat to society than most!

As for work, well, for many years I have been unable to work because of the strong symptoms of my illness, which have been very disabling.

Also, with great thanks to the people who should have been looking after my well being, I was signed off from work in 1996 and put on benefits for life and told that I may never be able to work again! That attitude from my nurse and psychiatrist helped to destroy me and remove any dignity and self-worth I had left after the destruction of my illness.

There is also the stigma and discrimination to overcome in the workplace. I once heard from someone of authority in mental health that a convict who has served time in prison for an intentional crime has more potential finding work than someone with schizophrenia.

My head shakes with disbelief at that statement, but unfortunately my heart knows there is truth to it. I believe we all deserve chances to prove ourselves, including convicts, but I use that point to highlight the difficulties for someone in my position to find work and to highlight the huge stigma which we have to face from people towards my illness.

There are many people in my position who could, and would given the right chance, contribute immensely to the workplace but because of stigma and discrimination we are too often unfairly overlooked and not recognized for our potential.

And what of love? Possibly the greatest and most powerful emotion to mankind. An emotion and feeling we all desire. I have to say, love and schizophrenia is a very awkward combination. Symptoms of schizophrenia include “fear of persecution,” so although finding love is possible, keeping that love safe can be hard. Too often “trust” can be a big issue in a relationship, and too often trust and symptoms of my illness are unable to work together in harmony.

In the past, and when my symptoms were very active, I sometimes accused my wife of spying on me and working for the KGB or MI5 and this often caused us much distress and unhappiness and so caused a rift between us and love was difficult to maintain.

My illness and the labels attached to it can also make it extremely hard for people like me to initiate a relationship, or for others to make the first steps towards us. Too often the self-doubt and low self-esteem and lack of dignity that comes with schizophrenia can stop the process of finding a relationship, and so stops possibilities of love.

And what of family love? Well, it is very common for families to break up where mental illness is concerned. I myself have been unable to have contact with my brothers and mother for some years because of my illness.

So, love is probably the most important topic to me out of the three. It’s most certainly the topic I yearn for the most.

I will end by saying that love, work and identity can be so difficult for us all. Add a disability to the equation and things can become much harder in life. But, having said that, I believe that with the right frame of mind and attitude so much can be achieved.

I know in my life I am finally finding my own true “identity” beyond my label, and with “work” I am starting to find the ability and belief in myself to work again.

And as for love, I am no longer married but I do have a partner who I love deeply. Who knows where the relationship will go and what obstacles will get in my way, mental illness or not? We all just have to keep on believing in ourselves and keep striving forwards with hope.

That’s what keeps saving me.

Stuart Baker-Brown is a prolific writer, a world-traveler, and an award-winning photographer. He dreams of becoming the first person with schizophrenia to ascend Mount Everest.

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