Anorexic-Bulimic Lies, by Mara McWilliams

Filed under: Regular Contributors, Mara McWilliams, Themes, The Skinny on Fat, The UpDown Report

Anorexic-Bulimic Lies

By Mara McWilliams

Sick. Nauseous.
Full of contempt.
Hating the living.
Fantasizing of death.
STOMACH
twisting, turning, jumping, churning.
DIAPHRAGM
pushing up the fuel I fed my
body so I may continue to live.
40 days and 40 nights.
What’s the big deal with that Mr. Big Man Christ?
Wincing. Disgusted.
Praying it away.
Looking in the mirror and seeing my age.
Down. Down.
Pushing this necessary evil down.
Fighting my mind.
Trying to find that happy place inside.
Focusing on the here and now.
Allowing my system to digest this fuel.
The hurt. The pain. The disgust.
Not worth wasting away over.
Power taken, passively and forcibly.
Given away, gladly and reluctantly.
Getting thinner and thinner yet every day.
Too thin…
NEVER thought I’d say that.
Bones popping out everywhere,
even in my back!
Trying to deceive myself that this is
all about looks.
You liars.
You users!
You pain inducers!
No more – enough!
Slow suicide.
Painful starvation.
Heart palpitations.
Chest pains.
Exhausted.
Barely enough strength to face another day.
Sick. Nauseated.
Ready to toss…
Feeling so alone.
Drifting…I’m lost.
Dissociation – something self-taught.
Pain.
Here. There. Everywhere.
Parents.
Partners.
Ex-lovers.
Old friends.
Burnt down home
and a cute, but dead kitten.
All living in my whacked out head.
Try to heal, forgive, and move on.
To love. To give.
To teach what I’ve learned,
as I am spiritually
obligated.
My heart broken,
again and again.
Stomped on. Stepped on. Tossed aside.
Feeling like a rag doll
without the ability to cry.
Torn, then mended.
Stitched, as if by hand.
Only to have the same thing
happen
over and over again.
Prayers, spells, spiritual cleansings,
yoga, chakra meditation.
Yet here I am,
an old worn rag doll
with zigzag stitches,
fighting down the bile
that challenges my resolve.
Fighting so hard to do what’s right,
not for THEM, but for my own well-being.
Standing up for what’s healthy for me.
All the while,
just wanting love.
Wanting the KNOWING
that there’s someone
in whom I could place my trust.
Bipolar waves,
Borderline urges,
Anorexic denial.
Yearning for alcohol.
Intensely desiring to make pretty little
slices on my arm.
But still,
just WRITING it out.
Praying by pen,
the tool the Universe blessed my fragile hands with.
I write for me to keep my mind in line.
But all the while,
hoping
ONE,
just one person can identify.
Maybe I can help one more get by.
The nausea is passing,
feeling a bit better.
No longer Alice chasing the Mad Hatter.
Tell me,
does any of this make sense to you?

©2002

If art is communication, Mara McWilliams is screaming. A California-raised, self-taught “outsider artist,” Mara was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at 19 years of age. For most of her life she fought the demons associated with mental illness, until she decided to use the illness to her benefit. 

The birth of Mara’s art came from despair and led her into recovery. For her, art and recovery are inseparable. Mara started painting daily and has found art to be the truest form of self-expression. She chooses to not be restrained by the technical boundaries associated with the various genres. 

As an artist, it is Mara’s goal to relay the intense feelings associated with mental illness to her audience without stereotypical pretenses or filters. Painting allows that interaction to take place. The paint acts as emotion while the canvas is the treasure chest in which all hopes, fears and vulnerabilities are stored and shared with viewers.

She lends these same gifts to her poetry. Her first book, “Outta My Head and In Your Face,” opened to critical acclaim and adorns the libraries of some of the greatest thinkers of our generation. Through her art and poetry, Mara McWilliams hopes to be a hopeful blaring voice for those who are afraid that life ends after diagnosis.

See more of Mara’s work at www.recoverythroughart.com.

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