Why Do You See Only One Of Me?

Filed under: Themes, Bard of the Benzodiazepines

Why Do You See Only One of Me?

Submitted anonymously

Perhaps you remember a time when, as you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar, your mother wagged a dishwater-wrinkled index finger in your face, chastising: “Listen to the voice in your head to keep you from doing wrong!”

Boy, if only she knew how true that statement would become…

I did listen to the voice in my head. The only problem was that I didn’t know which one I was supposed to listen to? You see, there were so many.

Ok, ok. I know what you’re thinking—who is this freak? When I do tell you, wanna bet you’ll be even more perplexed? Guess what—I am a mental health care worker. I have been in the helping profession for well over a decade. I have worked with children, teens, and seniors. I have helped people with marital problems, drug addictions, and depression. I have held the hand of many who would have died alone, and rejoiced with many who succeeded in finding their way.

But I didn’t do it alone…

You see I am never alone—at least not as far back as I can remember. And this is where the story begins.

I will not make you sad by telling you about the events that led me to a life filled with auditory, visual, and tactile hallucinations-because, in the end, where and why they began does not matter. What is relevant is that for the better part of my life I have been a “psychiatric person” who was not an “I” but a “We.” This multiplicity has defined every step I have taken upon my path.

Many individuals with a “psychiatric” designation deal with this issue of more than one internal voice. This can be a heart-wrenching reality, which often robs an individual of the opportunity to reach his or her potential. How it is understood, reacted to, and dealt with can determine a positive or negative long-term outcome for the individual.

Hallucinations are an example of the remarkableness of the human brain. Although they are often designated as ill, they can create a world filled with creatures, people, and furniture-as real as the reality considered to be “true.”

Instead of a typical clinical explanation from the DSM, I thought you might like to know, first hand, what all this really means for the person experiencing these inner voices and seeing these sights.

***

Well, picture this…

(7:00 a.m. – looking in the mirror.)

“Hi.”

(Startled, I turn to see who could have walked into my bathroom without me knowing.)

“Over here.”

(I turn back to the mirror and there, in back of me, stands the most beautiful, green-eyed, long-blond-haired woman I’ve ever seen, and she is smiling at me. Smiling back, I respond with slight trepidation {ok I’ve almost peed in my pants by this point!})

“Hi.”

(Swallowing hard, I continue with the next appropriate question.)

“Who are you?”

(Guess what she says…aww come on, guess…)

“You know who I am.”

(And you know what-I did know. I knew the minute I heard her speak that hers was the voice that had sung to me all those times when I left my pain and travelled into the woods where there was safety and peace. I knew that she was not to be feared but followed, and that she would be with me and never leave me.)

“The time has come to meet the others.”

(Ok, now I feel a little nauseated-my mouth is so dry I can barely mouth the words…)

“What others?”

(But even as I say it, I know “what others,” because I have already seen them and touched them, smelled them and begged them to leave me alone.)

And so the procession began. As I stared into my mirror, they appeared one by one. Young and old, brown haired and blond-all with piercing eyes that could bore into a soul. Tall and short, thin and husky-a room full of people that I had never met, but knew intimately. And then I had a decision to make: turn around and see if they were actually there-outside the borders of the mirror-knowing that once I turned there was no turning back.

What would you have done?

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