An Irked Magazine Exclusive: Stuart Baker-Brown Reporting From High Atop The Himalayas

Filed under: Regular Contributors, Stuart Baker-Brown, Art Gallery

The Mera Diaries

Words and photographs by Stuart Baker-Brown

An Irked exclusive!

Stuart Baker-Brown, a tenacious mental health activist and long-time Irked contributor, was diagnosed with schizophrenia in 1996. For many years he has courageously promoted his own positive recovery to help inspire and offer hope to all those who share his diagnosis. On October 12, 2008, Stuart flew from his home in the UK to Kathmandu, Nepal and attempted to reach the summit of Mera Peak. This is his story, in his own words and with his own photos… 

October 13^th 2008.

It is 1:32pm UK time. I am sitting here at Doha airport in Qatar. We had to return just under an hour into the flight to Kathmandu. The plane had technical difficulties and there was a lot of cabin pressure and the air conditioning stopped working. So, it was announced by the captain that for passenger safety the plane had to return back to Doha.

I was supposed to be arriving in Kathmandu at approx 8am Nepal time, and at this moment I have no idea when we will be boarding a new flight.

The adventure starts!

I can be superstitious, and at this moment I wonder if the unexpected return journey to Doha may be a sign my trek to Mera will not be successful and I should return home.

I get signs all the time, but fortunately they are always signs of hope—how a bird may fly, how the caw of a jackdaw sounds, how a flame of a fire may burn—signs all the time. But of hope. It is very unusual for me to receive signs of failure.

October 14^th.

I eventually arrived at Tribhuvan airport Kathmandu at 4pm. I feel exhausted but it is great to be here. I had to wait at Doha for nearly 7 hours before another flight left for Nepal.

Martin Stirling from White Lantern Film met me at the airport. Martin is here to film my climb for White Lantern who are making a documentary about my life to help promote positive schizophrenia and my recovery.

Martin had arrived from London via Delhi some hours earlier.

I am now sitting in the Buddha Garden at the famous Kathmandu Guest House. The taxi ride to the hotel takes 40 minutes. The streets of Kathmandu, as always, are very busy, the smells of the spices entice and the colours and noise of the city are always so vibrant.

October 15^th. 

(Left to right) Nuru Sherpa, Martin Stirling, Dorjee Sherpa

Martin and I have met with Nuru, my Sherpa Guide and friend, and the great Dorjee Sherpa. Dorjee has climbed Everest 30 times now. He is a good friend of Nuru’s, and whenever I am in Kathmandu Nuru brings Dorjee to meet me. I love this man. His strength is legendary in the climbing world. If I ever got the chance to climb Everest, Dorjee would be my lead Sherpa without doubt. He is so strong and 6′2″ which is huge for a Sherpa. He has a huge smile to match.

Martin filmed Dorjee, Nuru and myself talking about the Himalayas and climbing.

Tomorrow we fly to Lukla at 6:30am. I feel very positive about the trek and feel very fit and emotionally very strong. I am worried about what should happen if I fail, and feel that if things are beyond my control, such as medication taking effect or bad weather, then I will do my best to recognise I have not failed. But if I fail through not being fit enough, then I could never forgive myself.

October 16^th. Lukla. 2800m.

We have arrived at Lukla. The weather is very fine with clear blue sky. Already I can feel the lack of oxygen. The flight was pleasant having left Kathmandu Tribhuvan Airport this morning at 6:30am on a twin otter aircraft that seats approx 12 people. It feels so fantastic to be here once again amongst the mountains. I am forever in awe of their immense presence. As ever, the mountains have a great effect on me. They are like no other in the world.

I can always remember the emotional response I had when I first saw the Himalayas in 2003. When I looked to the mountains for the first time from the plane window, I said to myself, “if God was on earth, God would be here in the Himalayas.” That feeling is still with me. It is all so fantastic, so powerful, so inspiring and like no other place I have ever known.

We have heard the route to Mera is clear and free from snow and ice. This is great news and gives me confidence that I can achieve this climb. In 2006 the route was exhausting, the path was so tough due to ice and snow and was dangerous.

We have only been here for a few hours and already we have heard many stories of people being evacuated from both the Everest region and the Mera region. Martin has asked me a couple of times if I am I worried at all about the evacuations, does it cause me concern about the ascent? I just tell him I have heard it all before and it’s part of the territory that comes with these things.

Nuru is with us at the moment, but he will not lead the climb. He is injured at present and so we will be climbing with his cousin Mingma. Pasang Sherpa will be joining us too, both Mingma and Pasang are strong Sherpas, both have climbed Everest. Pasang has a very famous brother, Lhakpa Gelu Sherpa, who has climbed Everest in 12 hours! Pasang himself has climbed Everest in under 24 Hours.

We are to be joined by 10 porters. Their job is to carry food supplies and camping equipment. So, it looks like there will be 13 of us in all. 13 is a very lucky number here in Nepal, and represents the 13 steps to enlightenment in Buddhist faith.

We will stay here the night in a lodge to acclimatise, and then will leave tomorrow morning at approx 10am and make a 4 hour walk towards Chutenga, ascending to 3600m (Chutenga means place by the river side). We will walk through the lowland forest and set camp. The following day we will begin the ascent up into the mountains and then towards the dreaded Chetara La.

Intended route to Mera Peak:

• Lukla to
• Chutenga
• Kharki-Teng
• Zetara-Buk
• Kothe
• Taqnaq
• Rest Day
• Khare
• Rest Day
• Mera High Camp
• Mera Summit
• Khare
• Kothe
• Rest Day
• Toktok
• Zetara-Buk
• Chutenga
• Lukla

2:48pm. 

Both Martin and I are now relaxing on our beds. The lodge rooms are very basic. We have heard the route to Mera is quite clear, and from what it sounds the trek should be somewhat easier than 2006. There is no snow or ice ‘en route.’ So that is excellent news!

I was hoping Nuru would lead the climb, but his foot is too painful having recently injured it in a climb. As he says—his feet are his living and he must take care of them. His feet feed his family!

7pm.

I think it truly pays to stay in Lukla at least one night to acclimatise. I am already adjusting to the high altitude. It is the best option to try and acclimatise, as so many people who start their trek straight after flying to Lukla suffer with mountain sickness.

At this moment I am looking forward to the ascent and feel quite confident about success. I just hope my very unhappy start, having money stolen in Kathmandu and my bad omen with my flight from Doha, will finish with a very happy end and the summit on Mera.

I do have concerns, such as sleep deprivation. We will not be in the most comfortable or warm conditions. Sleep deprivation causes stress and stress can be a major trigger for symptoms of schizophrenia.

[Note—I can hear the Sherpas laughing and singing nearby. I love this type of brotherhood, it's something missing so much in the UK.]

Lukla has improved so much since I was last here in 2006. Although Lukla is still very rugged, there are more shops and even a few bakeries and an Irish bar! I have asked if we can get a Guinness there but I don’t think it’s possible. But plenty of other beers and whiskey and Baileys! 

October 17^th 6am. 

I have just heard the 1^st twin otter take off. Makes me wonder where the people have been and if they found success on their journey? I have slept quite well. I will relax here until 7am and then we will make our way to the lodge dining area for breakfast.

We leave for Chutenga at 10am, and arrive at 1:30pm. Chutenga has grown since I was last here, and instead of the 3 huts I remember there are now seven. I feel very pleased with today and was expecting the walk to take more than the 3 hours in total. It is now 3pm and the tents are being erected. We have had lunch, Sherpa stew, then dal baht, which is mainly rice with lentils.

The view of our ascent tomorrow and the peaks of the surrounding mountains are obscured by clouds. The temperature has now dropped dramatically. I still feel very confident. At the moment Martin and myself are the only foreigners here. The route is far less active than other routes in the Himalayas and you really do feel amongst the wilderness. The lodges are very bare made from logs and stone.

I feel no symptoms of stress and feel no symptoms of altitude sickness, no loss of breath.

[Note—The Sherpas are singing their traditional songs again as they drink in the lodges.]

Thoughts on my climb of Mera Peak:

I have concerns about a tooth. The filling has dropped out and it feels very loose. The other concern, which is always on my mind, is sleep deprivation. In 2006 I had to cut down my medication—Seroquel—which at altitude seemed to bring on breathing problems and greater sedation. But cutting down my medication meant I did not sleep well and sleep deprivation causes stress, which can trigger symptoms of schizophrenia.

I can clearly remember in 2006, when I was at much higher altitude and I had not slept well for a couple of nights, becoming quite fearful in my tent about a snow leopard above me on the mountain’s edge. I was sure a leopard was stalking me and wanted to harm me during the night. I was of course slightly delusional, but it’s this type of thing that causes me concern when I don’t sleep. My mind becomes overactive with unreal concerns and fears.

7:20pm.

It is expected to be minus 10 tonight. It feels very cold and as yet both myself and Martin have not acclimatised to the cold. We have rented some very good sleeping bags, which should be ok for minus 30. Martin is already feeling he may be experiencing the first signs of altitude sickness, so he has taken diamox. He has a headache and is feeling nauseous too.

[Note—Diamox is known to help relieve symptoms of AMS. 

AMS—Acute Mountain Sickness. Symptoms are due to fluid accumulation in the brain tissue and can range from mild to severe.] 

October 18^th

6:36am.

I have developed a cough during the night and my lungs do not feel that good. One of the many things you have to keep an eye on here in the mountains is HAPE—High Altitude Pulmonary Edema—which can be fatal, caused by an accumulation of fluid in or around the lungs. HAPE can be mistaken for a chest infection. A cough can be a sign of HAPE!

1pm.

We left for Kharki-Teng just after 9:30am. The journey, although steep, took us only 3 hours. In 2006, due to the severe weather, it took me much longer. Again, a hopeful sign for success. I feel very happy with my fitness. There are only 4 huts here and the views are fantastic looking back towards the Everest region. Although I have a cough and my lungs feel a bit awkward, I feel very fine. It is amazing the difference here compared to 2006, no snow or ice. Everything is so powerful up here, the mountains are amazing, so wonderful.

Tomorrow we must climb the dreaded Chetara La. This should be easy compared to the difficulty of 2006. Chetara La has caused me great concern from the start, but although it will be hard I feel confident I can mange this ok. We will be ascending from just over 3000m to 4500m. It is clearly far less treacherous than 2006.

My mind is still firm. My fitness is strong.

6:20pm.

I’m sitting in the tent having just finished tea. The food has been good, plenty of soup, Sherpa stew and more dal bhat. There is a lot on offer and both myself and Martin feel we have too much to eat and the Sherpas keep bringing more and we feel we have to eat it!!!

I have told our lead Sherpa Mingma that neither of us can eat so much!

It is bloody cold! Both myself and Martin have not fully adjusted to the coldness yet, and are struggling to keep warm and comfortable in the tent.

Tonight I watched a beautiful sunset across the mountains. The beauty and calmness here is so profound and thought-provoking. My head is in a bit of a fuzz. I can feel the altitude now and feel somewhat different mentally and physically to how I felt earlier on. I’m sure I will adapt and all will be good.

Sunday October 19^th.

Have just watched the sunrise over the mountains. Breakfast is due at 7am and then at 8:30am we will start the ascent on Chetara La.

Zetara Buk.

It has been an amazing walk today. I cannot believe it took us only two hours to ascend Chetara La, then another two hours onto Zetara Buk. I feel so good at the moment and very strong. Tonight we will stay in a lodge. It has started to snow, which is not a good sign, and if the snow persists it will cause trouble ahead and could make the climb twice as hard.

I have taken some diamox as a prevention to alleviate any potential symptoms of AMS. I have a slight headache and feel a little dizzy.

The climb to Chetara La reached an altitude of approx 4700m. We are now back to 4010m.

It’s freezing but the fire in the lodge is going to be lit soon. Martin is not feeling very bright and has stronger symptoms of AMS and is starting to look quite unwell. He has a bad headache and is feeling quite sick. I will keep a close eye on him. 

7pm.

Martin is not well at all. He has taken diamox. His face is quite red and he has a severe headache. Luckily we are descending tomorrow back to 3800m, so, in theory, that should offer him some relief. I had a feeling he might suffer with AMS at some point, being his first visit to the mountains and coming so high. I will keep a watchful eye on him and wake him occasionally to make sure he gets some warm fluid inside him.

I am slightly concerned at the moment, but feel his experience of AMS is quite natural and to be expected. If he does not improve once we descend then he may have to be rescued by helicopter. It’s the safest option. AMS kills.

We are still 5 days away from the final ascent on Mera. Once we are at high camp, we will leave at 1am for the 8hr ascent up to 6500m. We will be roped up. It all sounds exciting to me but bloody exhausting!

[Note—I have just looked out the window at the stars. Because we are so high there are 10 times as many stars in the sky than what I see in the UK. I feel closer to the Gods.]

Tomorrow we descend to Kothe. I have suggested to Mingma we stay there for a couple of days to wash and get ourselves clean, and to give Martin the ability to fully recover at lower altitude.

Food still comes in plenty. I have now started to pour the soup back into the terrine or throw it outside the window. The Sherpas make a big effort with food and I feel obliged to eat it or pretend to eat it! But there is too much! And they feel a little insulted if we don’t eat it. So, throwing it outside the window or outside the tent saves my stomach and saves their feelings! It works for me!

Our lead Sherpa Mingma has spoken with us about the summit on Mera, and told us a tragic story of a French climber who did not listen to him whilst climbing Makalu. Mingma warned the climber that if he carried on he may die, because the weather was so bad, but the climber continued by himself assuming all would be ok. Mingma and the other guide did not follow because they understood the dangers, and when they went to find the French climber the following day he had disappeared, never to be seen again.

Mingma wanted to be sure we would listen to him, and if he judged anything too dangerous and he suggested we should go no further we would listen to him. I obviously reassured Mingma he was in control and his word was final when it came to the final ascent.

October 20^th 

Today has been the hardest walk so far. I feel totally exhausted. We walked for 6 hours full of tough ascents and steep descents. Last time I can remember the walk taking two days, so to handle it in 6 hours feels so good and builds my confidence.

Kothe 3800m has grown a lot since 2006. Back then it was a Maoist village/checkpoint, but now all that has disappeared and it has settled into being a tourist village.

My lungs are hurting today and I am still coughing. I feel I have a slight temperature. I do not think it is HAPE but a chest infection. I am sleeping well.

Martin has improved greatly. It was so helpful that we descended, and a known cure to help relieve symptoms of AMS. My medication is worrying me the higher we get. I am currently on 400mg of Seroquel and feel slightly nervous the closer we get to Mera. We are now going to ascend ascend ascend and get into real high altitudes.

[Note—I have decided that if my medication brings on breathing problems and greater sedation I will cut down to 200mg. I must add that the breathing problems take away a good night's sleep. I'm not sure how to handle it all at the moment. In theory, because I am quite tired from the walking, I should be able to survive on 200mg a night and feel tired enough to sleep. I am currently on 400mg Seroquel.]

October 21^st 

We rest today. The weather here is beautiful and we are close to the forest and the surrounding mountain summits are wonderful. My thighs are very painful and adjusting to all the walking. In theory, we should be attempting the summit of Mera in the next four days. I still feel confident, but know how hard it will be for me. At this moment I feel it may be the last time I attempt such things. When back in the UK, I don’t think I remember how hard it is in the Himalayas. I also feel my body has been through so much in the past years, not just my mental health but I have had to battle with my body’s reaction to my diagnosis and medication for many years and at this moment it feels exhausted.

But no doubt, if I do summit Mera I will want to go higher—Everest!

[Note—Pasang has paid a lot of attention to my swiss knife. I have decided (because I think he is a good Sherpa) to give it to him at the end of the trek. I like him and would like him to have this knife as a gift for his companionship and for carrying the heavy film equipment.] 

October 22^nd

Taqnaq. Approx 4300m. 

We have now moved onto Taqnaq. The route was quite dangerous. Hours of walking through a rocky valley which is known for avalanches. So, at points when feeling exhausted, we had to move fast and be aware of the pending rock fall.

Tomorrow we will make our way up towards Khare then stay the night. From Khare we will move onwards to the Mera glacier—Mera la, then up to high camp.

I am feeling quite excited to be so close to the final ascent. So far, all feels well and I don’t feel effected by my Seroquel and although my lungs don’t feel very good, things are not getting worse.

I know the real test will begin tomorrow. Once we ascend 600m to Khare we have decided to have another rest day to acclimatise. Martin seems well now and although he has found parts of this journey quite hard, he is coping and adapting very well.

I am asking myself why do I do this? I am putting myself under extreme stress both mentally and physically. I know I want to promote positive schizophrenia but as I look to the views in front of me, I know I am also here because there is no other place like it in the world. It is infectious, the mountains, the views make it all so worth while.

I am wearing many layers. Trying to keep warm. I have three sets of thermals on, two fleeces and a jacket and I’m laying here in an arctic sleeping bag. There are some small rocks underneath me, so I am not feeling very comfortable at the moment but my main priority is to keep warm.

Khare. October 23^rd

I did not sleep well and felt quite sedated whilst making our way to Khare. Suddenly everything has become very difficult and I feel worried. En route I had to stop many times because my heart was racing and I felt I had lost all energy and could not breathe properly.

I was feeling fine until I took my Seroquel at night, and within 10 minutes I was feeling dizzy and my breathing became uncomfortable, as though there was not enough air.

My thoughts are very negative today. As we rested for lunch, I could see images in the mountains of failure, negative signs of potential disaster, signs I should turn back and it was fated I would fail.

As I look to the mountains I can see god-like figures, the powers that be, in the snow pointing their hands down towards a skeleton-type body. This concerns me. Usually when I receive signs they are signs of goodness and hope. I know it is just my mind working against me because I feel so low, but these signs can be so powerful, have so much meaning.

October 24th

Khare. Approx 5000m.

Again I have not slept well. We were planning to move onwards to the Mera Glacier but have decided to have a rest day today in the hope I will feel better tomorrow. Mingma suggested we climb a nearby hill up to 5200m in the hope we could stay there for a few hours to help me adjust to the altitude. Although I was feeling rough I tried the climb but had to come down. My heart beat was irregular and I felt quite sedated.

I decided it was best for me to descend and felt I may make myself worse if I carried on. So I stayed in the tent for the rest of the day trying to relax and relieve my symptoms.

I now have real doubts about the final climb. If I feel like this tomorrow I will have no option but to stay put!

I now have no option but to try and take only 200mg of Seroquel to alleviate these symptoms and hope I feel stronger and less sedated tomorrow. But that means an even greater risk of sleep deprivation.

[Note—I watched a lammergeyer as it circled over Khare. I saw it as a good sign. Although doubts are strong, the lammergeyer gave me hope. As it kept on landing nearby then taking off, I reminded myself that sometimes although we may fall we can always fly once again.]

October 25th

7:41am.

Today we make our way up to Mera La—”La” mean pass. I feel better this morning but tired. I only took 200mg of Seroquel last night. I did not sleep that well but I feel more alive today. We were supposed to be climbing 1000m to Mera high camp but I have refused. It is strongly recommended that tourists should only ascend approx 300m per day. I feel the 1000m climb to Mera high camp would be too dangerous and exhausting for me, especially as the following day would be another 500m to the summit.

Mingma has accepted that we need to camp half way. People do die on Mera and the main killer is AMS and ascending too quickly. The helicopter rescues here at Khare are a constant reminder of the potential harm people face at these altitudes and I have other things to cope with on top of the normal hazards.

At the moment I am not feeling confident I can summit.

5pm.

We have made our way to the edge of the Mera glacier and will camp the night here. The walk was quite easy for me and I feel ok. I can see the summit very clearly and now feel very confident I can achieve this climb. I cannot let myself fail now, I have come so far.

Tomorrow we will make the walk along Mera la to high camp. It should take approximately 4 hours.

The views here are spectacular. As they are everywhere. Once we are at high camp we will rest until 1am the following morning, and then make the final 8 hour round trip to the summit and back.

I have decided to only take another 200mg tonight. I hope all will be ok.

October 26^th

Mera High Camp.

Have just completed a tough 4hr walk to Mera high camp. We are now camped beside a huge rock and there are about 6 other small groups here. We left at 8:30am and arrived at approx 12:30pm. I did not sleep well last night and feel quite exhausted.

The views from the Mera glacier back towards the Everest region are superb. You can see the whole of Everest and the Makalu range to the right. My camera is having problems at this altitude and is failing to work. From what I can see on the LCD I may have caught one good photograph of Everest.

But the camera seems to be doing its own thing and it’s far too cold for me to play about trying to make it work properly.

The walk up to Mera high camp is very exposed and open to severe elements.

My breathing is laboured at this height and the walk was quite hard. We will rest for the day now. The tents have been erected and I need to get some sleep as we leave at 1am for the final summit.

I am feeling emotionally exhausted. Physically I feel strong and my body is coping well apart from my cough and my chest which is still painful. I have no irregular heart beat and do not feel sedated. I just wish I could switch my mind off.

7pm.

I am trying to get some sleep but can’t sleep. I feel so exhausted emotionally and just wish I could sleep.

October 27^th

Back to Khare from High Camp.

Devastation for me. We could not ascend. The weather had changed for the worse and groups turned back. The Sherpas had decided people could be at risk. It was a 2am start. I was out of it and did not feel well at all. In my exhaustion and need for sleep I took Seroquel at about 11pm, because I needed some sleep and could not switch my mind off. I was emotionally exhausted and not thinking straight. When we were woken at 2am I was very sedated. I took the Seroquel in hope I would be able to wake and feel ok. I asked Mingma if I could sleep more and wanted to try and climb at 6 or 7am but was told it was impossible.

So I got prepared, as this was my only chance to summit. We were roped up and fully equipped. As we began to walk in the dark I was all over the place and could barely stand upright. Then more bad luck happened. My head torch stopped working, then my trekking pole snapped in half and the zip broke on my jacket.

This was the breaking point for me. My tolerance was very low and I took it as a bad omen and that I should turn back and give up on summiting. I had also decided I was putting myself and Martin and the Sherpas in danger.

It had been suggested that the wind chill was below minus 30.

We made our way back down Mera La to Khare at 9am. I feel very low as though I have failed and have come to the conclusion I cannot attempt such feats whilst on medication. The walk back to Khare has been exhausting, I feel so tired and just need to sleep. 

October 28^th

Back to Taqnaq.

I am really fed up and exhausted, although once back at Khare I slept most of the day. The walk was exhausting. I was swearing and cursing all the way because I felt so tired. The bad weather is setting in. Mingma and other Sherpas have said they do not think any other groups will manage to summit Mera this season. The weather has completely turned and the snow is falling. It is very cold and I am already dreading the climb down from Chetara La. There will be snow and ice and we will have to be roped up. It will be dangerous, as simple as that.

Both Martin and I feel exhausted.

I feel I have tried my best and am trying to recognise that not summiting was out of my control. At this moment I have decided not to come again, nor to push myself to these extreme limits both physically and mentally. Maybe it’s all just too much. And I wish to achieve the impossible for someone with my past and my diagnosis.

Afterthoughts. 

3^rd November 10am.

I am now in Lukla. The route back to Lukla was very hard. The weather has been freezing and there has been much snow and ice. The climb down Chetara La was very dangerous and exhausting. Both Martin and I had nearly 4 hours of having to watch every footstep in fear of slipping and falling. It was so dangerous that neither Martin nor the Sherpas were unable to film the descent.

The uncertainty and lack of experience on snow and ice made things worse for both of us.

My chest is hurting and I am coughing all the time. As I listen from my bed I can hear the twin otters taking off. This time tomorrow morning I will be back in Kathmandu. I feel more settled now and far less tired. I know I have tried my best, I can accept that.

As I look back on this journey, it has not been a journey over the past weeks but for many years and in many ways it has been a miracle that I am able to be here in the Himalayas at all.

I have learnt that I cannot attempt such feats whilst I am on medication. So, maybe before I come back to attempt other heights I will have to be medication-free. I believe this is the only choice I have if I am to succeed further in the Himalayas.

I keep apologising to Martin for failing to summit. He is here to film the climb for a documentary about my life. But, maybe, the success is that I am able to be here at all.

I now have 5 days in Kathmandu before I have to fly back to the UK. I will use this valuable time to relax and reflect.

One of the many things schizophrenia has taught me is to adapt, always adapt to one’s situation and always try to work with one’s position in that time and space to its full potential.

So, when I arrive back in the UK, I will fully adapt to the fact I did not summit and have full understanding that although one dream has been lost, there are still many other dreams to live and conquer.

 

Stuart Baker-Brown is a prolific writer, a world-traveler, an award-winning photographer, and an avid outdoorsman. He works tirelessly to promote schizophrenia in a positive light.

To see more of Stuart’s magnificent photographs, and to buy prints, visit: http://www.stuartbakerbrown.co.uk.

Permalink / Comments