“Empathy”: an excerpt from the book Look Me in the Eye, by John Elder Robison

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Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger’s

by John Elder Robison

Also available as a Random House AudioBook and eBook

Chapter 3: Empathy

By the time I was twelve, I had progressed from “If he doesn’t get better, he may have to be institutionalized” to “He’s a weird, screwed-up kid.” But although my communication abilities had developed by leaps and bounds, people had ever higher expectations for me, and I began having trouble with what therapists called “inappropriate expressions.”

One time, my mother had invited her friend Betsy over. I wandered in as they sat on the sofa, smoking cigarettes and talking.

Betsy said, “Did you hear about Eleanor Parker’s son? Last Saturday he got hit by a train and killed. He was playing on the tracks.”

I smiled at her words. She turned to me with a shocked expression on her face. “What! Do you think that’s funny?”

I felt embarrassed and a little humiliated. “No, I guess not,” I said as I slunk away. I didn’t know what to say. I knew they thought it was bad for me to be smiling, but I didn’t know why I was grinning, and I couldn’t help it. I didn’t feel joy or happiness. At the time, as I approached my teenage years, it was hard to figure out exactly what I did feel. And I felt powerless to react any differently.

As I left, I could hear Betsy. “What’s the matter with that boy?”

My mother sent me to therapists, all of whom focused on the wrong things. Mostly, they made me feel worse than I already did, dwelling on my so-called evil and sociopathic thoughts. They were all full of shit. They didn’t make me better. They just made me feel worse. None of them figured out why I grinned when I heard Eleanor’s kid had been run over by a train.

But now I know. And I figured it out myself.

I didn’t really know Eleanor. And I had never met her kid. So there was no reason for me to feel joy or sorrow on account of anything that might happen to them. Here is what went through my mind that summer day:

And at the end, I smiled with relief. Whatever killed that kid was not going to get me. I didn’t even know him. It was all going to be okay, at least for me. Today my feelings would be exactly the same in that situation. The only difference is, now I have better control of my facial expressions.

The fact is, from an evolutionary standpoint, people have an inbred tendency to care about and protect themselves and their immediate family. We do not naturally care about people we don’t know.

Reprinted from Look Me in the Eye by John Elder Robison. Copyright © 2008. Published by Three Rivers Press, a division of Random House, Inc.

>> Listen to John read an excerpt from his book:

>> Watch a great video segment about John, produced by Jessica Bobula and Dianna Heitz for the Medill Washington Program at Northwestern University:

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>> Watch Augusten Burroughs interview his older Aspergian brother:

>> Watch a video of John’s visit to Google’s Boulder, CO office to discuss his book. Part of the Authors@Google series:

John Elder Robison lives with his wife and son in Amherst, Massachusetts. His company, JE Robison Service, repairs and restores fine European automobiles. They specialize in Mercedes, BMW, Jaguar, Land Rover, Rolls Royce and Bentley motor car work. The company is known nationwide for their restoration and customization work.

Visit his websites at www.johnrobison.com and www.robisonservice.com.

Read his blog at http://jerobison.blogspot.com.

In John’s own words:

One day, a therapist with a lust for Land Rovers walked in the door at JE Robison Service, and we became friends. After studying me closely, he introduced me to Asperger’s Syndrome, and the knowledge changed my life forever. It took some time, and a lot of hard work, but a loser kid became a winner adult.

 

With the publication of Look Me in the Eye, I’ve started off on a new career. I am currently hard at work on my next book, and I’ve been amazed to learn I’m in demand as a speaker.

 

In addition, I have started working with Elms College to develop their graduate program in autism and Asperger’s.

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