“A Tomb With A View,” by Brian Segal

Filed under: Regular Contributors, Brian Segal, Themes, Wheelchairman of the Board

A TOMB WITH A VIEW (or Things seem to be looking up)

by Brian Segal

As most people know, our little planet is getting quite crowded. I am not just talking about the teeming cities in certain countries, but more so about the available liveable space on our planet. It is fine to prognosticate about future technologies and how they will make more of our planet viable for human habitation, but what about right now? Well, I believe I may have come up with a solution for a problem that is beginning to intensify, at least here in North America.

Believe it or not, even graveyards are starting to fill up—I kid you not. As our population increases the number of people going on to their great reward increases. It kind of makes sense when you think about it. What happens when your time is done? We can’t all be like the character in Alfred Hitchcock’s movie Psycho, and remain sitting in our favourite chair.

While some people choose to be cremated most North Americans still prefer to be buried, planted or interned…in other words placed underground in some fancy box. It may be lined with velvet or silk. It may be made of oak, mahogany, plywood or even bronze but it is still a box. This whole procedure can be very expensive. A funeral can easily cost $10,000 or more and it is problematic as to whether or not the star attraction of the whole procedure really gets much of a chance to appreciate it. As far as I know no one has come back to report what happens once you cross to the other side. I know that different religions have their takes on what happens once you are no longer happening, but really it still remains an unknown.

I of course have no answer to the above, but there is one factor I have pondered for some time. What if a certain form of spectral awareness remains in our bodies even after our bodies have gone past their “best before” date?

Taking that into account, I have become concerned with an aspect of the burial procedure. With the overcrowding in cemeteries, being buried six feet under does not necessarily mean you will be the sole occupant of your plot. You may discover to your dismay that you did not purchase a fully detached residence but rather a duplex. One coffin may actually be placed a few feet above another! My invention would alleviate the worries of those who would rather not spend eternity staring up at the backside of another soul. Instead of simply being buried under a mound of earth I would have each coffin resting on a giant motorized tray. At preset intervals the trays would rotate, thus affording the residents a different view every few months or so. I was thinking of calling my company “ONE MONTH ASS ONE MONTH GRASS.”

So far, for some reason, I have been unable to find any investors interested in backing my project.

Brian Segal is living in the country north of Montréal. He was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis about 18 years ago and, when asked, tells people he is retired (It sounds a lot better than telling people you are on disability insurance). He is happily married, no children, but one very friendly husky cross. He also has the good fortune of living in his own home, not a home.

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