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Written by admin2 on October 19th, 2009Filed under: Regular Contributors, David Roche
Screengrab of David Roche’s upcoming schedule:
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Quoting David Roche, in an email sent Wednesday, Apr 8, 2009:
“Attached is a piece I am working on that I think will be the opening act of “Catholic Erotica.” It is a performance piece, doesn’t have to do with disability as such, but is written (and will be performed) from the POV of a pre-pubescent Catholic boy in the American Midwest in the 1950s. It is something I like and which works well on stage . . . It’s in the front of my mind and imagination because I am working on it right now.”
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A racy script excerpt…after the jump!
***Warning: Language & themes not suitable for children***
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ONE THING I KNOW FOR SURE
by David Roche
I was standing on third base. Jimmy Balog said to me, “Hey Roche, you fuck your mother, don’t you?” I said “Sure!”
Anyway. One thing I know for sure. Babies don’t come out your butt. They come from somewhere else. That is nearby. But I don’t know what that is.
Anyway, I know how to jack off but I don’t know how to shoot. I practice.
“The Lord loves a tryer.” That’s what Aunt Rose says.
When you are by yourself, at night maybe, you know, and you see something moving out of the corner of your eye and you look and it looks like something just went around the corner, but when you look around the corner, there is nobody there? That was the devil. So beware. He’s around a lot.
Well, anyway, dogs can’t go to heaven…but maybe they can. Not to Catholic heaven. But that’s the only kind anyway. Well, Blackie died. Sister Cajetan said dogs don’t have a soul. They can’t go to communion or confession. They don’t even care about that. But Sister Cajetan said maybe I will see him in heaven cause Blackie was a good Catholic dog. But I don’t think he was.
I baptized Blackie when he was sick. His nose was hot. “I baptize thee in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.” “I christen thee…Francis.” Francis Blackie. After Saint Francis, cause he liked animals. He talked to wolves; he kept them out of this place, this town in Italy. Saint Francis went to the wolves, “Gentlemen, don’t cause no ruckus in this town.” So maybe Saint Francis will say to Jesus, “Come on, let him in. It’s just one dog.”
But Blackie…all you do in heaven is look at God. I don’t think Blackie would like that. Oh, but he would look at God if God had treats in his pocket.
Dick Mandich says Veronica is the best girl in comic books cause she is stacked. Veronica is mean to Betty and Archie. I like Daisy Duck. Ducks don’t have tits but I like her little tail. I like Little Lulu best. She’s neat. I could be in her gang with Iggy and Eddy and Tubby.
Light up a Lucky, it’s light up time. Be happy, go lucky, it’s light up time. For the taste that you like, light up a Lucky Strike. It’s light up time.
L.S.M.F.T. Lord Save Men From Truman
Chained to the hot cigarette habit? Smoke Kools. Smoke Kools. Kools. Kools.
I like Chuckles best but I eat them too fast. “Take it easy, son.” That’s what my dad says. In Stalag 17 my dad had to eat sawdust. And rats.
At the movies I get Boston Baked Beans or a Slo-Poke, to suck and last long. Necco wafers are good too. But, in heaven, you don’t get anything like that. No candy. So eat them now, but not too much.
Necco wafers are best for playing communion. White ones. That’s not a sin because we were practicing Mass.
It’s ok being an altar boy. At communion time, I like holding the plate under people’s chins. If a piece of God drops, I catch it. Him. Their tongues. What color is a tongue? Say what the answer is. You’re wrong if you said pink. Tongues are all colors. And kinds. I see them, I look. Lots are gray. With cracks in them. Old tongues are gray and shaky. There are brown tongues. Some are white. Some have pimples on, little ones.
Mary McDermott’s tongue is very pink and nice. She sticks it out just right for communion. I might get married to Mary McDermott because Betty McDermott is my mom’s best friend.
Some people, they don’t stick their tongue out. “Hurry up, there are a lot of people who want to go to communion.” Father Alvin waits. So I give a little poke in the neck. With the platen. Gaah. Pop. Out comes the tongue. In goes Jesus. Communion. Amen.
“The Gillette Friday night fights are on the air. Da da da da da da da da da da. Choose a razor, Gillette super speed, with the blade edge and the weight you need. Light, regular, heavy, hey! Best way to get a shave today.”
When you commit a sin it is like hurting Jesus. Mortal sins hurt worse than venial. It is just the same as pushing the crown of thorns down on poor Jesus’ head. A tear rolls down dear Jesus’ face. Not because it hurts him. Because he loves you. Jesus is like that.
Well, when you make your first communion, you are just a kid. Sister Alois said that on the communion host, there is a picture of baby Jesus, not a picture, but pressed on. Stamped. And at communion time baby Jesus gets real and he can really tell if you had done something filthy with your mouth. And he would start crying real loud cause he did not want to go in a filthy mouth. “Waah. Waah.” Everyone could hear around you. “Oh, that boy is going to hell.”
But when I was…four…five…a kid, I picked up candy that fell out of my Kathy…my sister’s mouth onto the floor and I ate it. But Father Alvin says candy is not impure. Anyway, one time, I tasted a little bit of poop. Accidentally. Accidentally is not a sin.
I remember a dirty joke from when I was a kid. Terry Mills told me it. You’ll get it. It’s easy. I paid two bits to see some…tits. OK, here is another one, “Lady of Spain, I adore you, pull down your pants I’ll explore you.”
When you go to hell, it’s terrible. “Children, if you want to see what hell will be like, stick your finger in a candle. It hurts and you want to pull it out. In hell you can’t pull it out and it’s not just your finger, it’s you all over. And you never burn up, ever. You just keep on burning, forever. This is eternity. This is why it is good to be truly sorry for your sins.
I probably will go to hell.
“Oh, my God, I am heartily sorry for all my sins, not only because I fear the loss of heaven and the pains of hell, but most of all because I have offended you, who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve with the help of thy grace to sin no more and to avoid the occasion of sin. Amen.” Say that a lot and feel truly sorry.
Some men did impure things to Blessed Maria Goretti and murdered her. But before she died she forgave those who did it. That was good.
Donna O’Meara was crying at school today. Only the girls with Mary in their name, not just only Mary, but Mary Ellen, Mary Lou. Mary Lou Adamle, everyone calls her Cookie. Cookie Adamle. But her real name is Mary Lou. Well, only one of the Mary name girls could get to be May Queen, that’s the rule. Donna said her name was like Madonna. Oh, she was really crying. Sister Frieda put her on the list then. She won’t be May Queen. Donna has a lovely face but she is a heavy girl.
Donna has big tits but that is because she is fat. Cookie Adamle has falsies. “By God or by Goodyear?” Paula Murphy, she is bad, she has those kind of tits, too big, I think. Mary McDermott has little tits. Patty Gregor has the best tits, but she is stuck up. Very stuck up.
The Lord loves a tryer.
So anyway, that’s all. Anyway, try not to hurt Jesus, ok?
© David Roche. All rights reserved.
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David Roche is an inspirational humorist, motivational speaker and performer who has transformed the challenges and gifts of living with a facial disfigurement into a compelling message that uplifts and delights audiences around the world. David has been featured in four films, including Shameless, a 2006 feature-length documentary by Bonnie Sherr Klein. He has even performed at the (Clinton) White House! Now, with the publication of his first (critically-acclaimed) book, The Church of 80% Sincerity, he is also an author.
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