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Filed under: Themes, Cerebral Ballsy,  Wheelchairman of the Board, Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Tips For Service Providers

by David Gayes

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Filed under: Themes, Tumour Humour, Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Ways to Cut the Cancer Conversation Short

10. Yeah, well, I was getting sick of my haircut so I figured, why not? 

9. You should see how many presents I got. It was totally worth it. 

8. Chemo is a great way to lose weight. 

7. People are a lot nicer when they think you might die. 

6. It was a perfect opportunity to get caught up on all my soaps. 

5. Yeah it sucked, but look at this bad-ass scar! 

4. How else do you think I got into college? They can’t turn down a cancer survivor. 

3. Now I get to wear this trendy yellow bracelet. 

2. I don’t really remember it. I was too drunk most of the time. 

1. It’s okay, I didn’t have anything scheduled for that year anyway.

Submitted by Annie W., 21 yr. old – 10 month Hodgkin’s survivor

Reprinted courtesy of Planet Cancer.

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Filed under: Themes, Tumour Humour, Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Worst Responses If Someone Tells You They Have Cancer

10. Other than that, how’s it going?

9. This isn’t going to affect my career, is it?

8. I guess there’s no need to quit smoking now.

7. There are easier ways to build character, you know.

6. Oh, my aunt/cousin/grandfather died of that same cancer!

5. Be sure to wear clean underwear.

4. Just think of all the money you’ll save on shampoo.

3. Cancer…is that before or after Aquarius?

2. Yeah, right, whatever.

1. It’s always about you, isn’t it?

Reprinted courtesy of Planet Cancer.

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Filed under: Themes, Tumour Humour, Top 10 Lists

Top 10 Ways To Break The Ice With Your Nurse

10. Fill bedpan with chocolate pudding and salsa; whistle Mission Impossible theme as she carries it away.

9. Call her “stewardess.”

8. Try to convince her of your firm conviction that your tumor is the karmic by-product of “all those kids I ate.”

7. Lock her in bathroom; insist that she refer to you as “Warden.”

6. Act baffled when she enters to minister to you and say: “They told me I had a prostrate dancer.”

5. Sew your right hand to your lips and laugh whenever she’s around – oblivious to your dementia, she’ll of course think you’re cute and have a funny little secret.

4. Ask her if she wants to play “Find the caduceus.”

3. Strategically place a copy of Hustler sticking out from under your mattress, your subscription label clearly visible. After all, they love readers.

2. Demand that your doctor tell you why the night-shift nurses dress in snowsuits and shout at you in Icelandic.

1. Fart.

Reprinted courtesy of Planet Cancer.

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