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Sue Scheff recently interviewed the great Jaylen Arnold for examiner.com. Their conversation was so engaging (and so important) that we are reprinting it here in its entirety.
Enjoy!
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This year I fulfilled a lifelong dream of becoming a published novelist. The whole process of getting my book “Migration Songs” ready for print was a daunting one. My jewel of an editor saw me through the ups and downs, delivering endless pep talks to get me over the hurdles of insecurity. One minute I’d be fine, the next, sunk, but she always knew how to keep me moving from sunk to relieved. I felt like I never depended so much on another person for my mental health.
The novel is published and selling well. After a long lean stretch, I am bringing in some money from a project or two that I’ve been waiting on. And I have the support of my family and friends. But somehow I seem to be struggling with feelings of emptiness and futility.
On the surface, I have nothing to be depressed about. But does depression have to be “about” something?
We have been taught that the propensity for depression can be partly genetic and partly attributable to early life experiences, and it is well-recognized that the condition is not always situation-based. But for a long time I have believed that if I were able to change my thinking, I would be able to avoid depression.
I have consciously attempted to exchange negative thoughts for positive ones, successfully navigating a trip to Russia in 2006 on the basis of encouraging self-talk. It also helped that I was taking my medication as prescribed, as I continue to do today. But the feelings of spiritual loss have not abated.
I know I have been stressed-out lately, from dealing with certain people in my life, and because of money woes. I have also been feeling lost because of not having a clear work schedule. I shouldn’t be surprised… these are familiar feelings, and familiar scenarios. But I suppose I thought publishing my novel might just create a new kind of happiness that would not easily disperse.
Just as depression is not necessarily situation-based, neither is happiness. There may be nothing in the world that can make me happy, and only one person in the world who can—myself. And maybe, there will be times when even I, however much I work on thinking positively, may not be able to pull myself up out of the muck.
I once thought gratitude was the answer, and that if I could be grateful for what I have, the good things in my life, that I would magically be happier. It’s possible that I have forgotten to act on that lesson. But it’s also possible that there is no magic bullet, that there will be times when we just can’t seem to turn our dark moods around.
I’m going to keep trying the things that have worked in the past to increase my happiness, and the things that seem promising. But now that I am older, I am also prepared to live with a certain amount of darkness and pain.
The quest for happiness seemed like a worthwhile one, when I was young. It still seems reasonable to hope for happiness, but perhaps it is not so reasonable to expect feelings of happiness to be the inevitable and lasting conclusion of getting something “right” (whether it be thinking or attitude or being good or living a certain way).
Happiness may well be the by-product of seeing beauty in the world and other people. It may be something which must pass, the way anger and sadness do. It may be that some people have a natural talent for happiness, while others have to work at it. And it may be that our memories of happiness can feed our souls with as much light as actual moments of happiness do.
I have been happy, and have no doubt that I will be again. I also know that the times in between will not kill me, and perhaps most importantly, that they are not a punishment for having done something wrong. I am open to the idea that I can change something in order to be happier but I will refuse to assign blame to myself if I don’t achieve the kind of happiness we all hope for. Happiness, after all, is not a test, but a state of being that I believe we are all born to recognize, enjoy and long for.
My editor probably doesn’t realize she was also a kind of happiness coach for me while I was revising my novel. I got by on her kind and enthusiastic words until the next wave of despair hit. Maybe I can learn to be my own shrink and cheerleader, or maybe I can simply take what comes and deal with it then.
I’ve never liked unhappiness, but maybe I can learn to endure it a little, while waiting for the next batch of happiness to wash up.
Like shells on the beach of my life.
Anna Quon is a Nova Scotia-based writer, and a much-cherished ongoing contributor to Irked Magazine. To purchase her critically-acclaimed debut novel click here.
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Read Irked posts tagged “depression”
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The book Cowboy & Wills opens the day after critically-acclaimed author Monica Holloway’s adorable three year-old son Wills is diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. She takes him to a pet store; and from her first impulse purchase of a full aquarium, Holloway quickly graduates to hermit crabs, hamsters, African dwarf frogs, and a rabbit. But like all children, what Wills wants most is a puppy. That Christmas, eight-week old Cowboy arrives and forever changes their lives.
Where Wills is cautious, fastidious, and tender hearted, Cowboy is rambunctious, affectionate, and impulsive. Soon, the boy who could barely say hello to his kindergarten classmates is going on playdates, learning to swim, and sleeping in his own bed. Through it all, Cowboy is there, dragging him toward other children and giving him the confidence to face his fears—with her by his side. But love is not enough to save the beautiful Cowboy from her fate, and the cruel world of puppy mills quickly catches up to them. When Cowboy is diagnosed with lupus, Wills and his family realize that they must be there for her, just as she was there for them.
Monica Holloway sat down with Simon Spotlight Entertainment (a division of Simon & Schuster) for a discussion of her life’s path as a mother and memoirist, and the unexpected trajectory this path has taken through her life. Here are the highlights:
Back in July, we introduced you to a very, very amazing young man named Jaylen Arnold—who has had Tourette’s Syndrome for most of his nine years. Jaylen’s on a mission to educate the whole world about bullying. (And he’s off to a fantastic start: even Leonardo DiCaprio is a fan!)
Watch this phenomenal video segment that aired last night on the CBS Evening News:
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For more, visit…
jaylenschallenge.org
twitter.com/Jayschallenge
youtube.com/user/jaylenschallenge
Then…
Read Irked posts tagged “bullying”
Read Irked posts tagged “self-esteem”
Watch more Irked videos
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Some of you may remember Kenny Cieplik, the maverick Accessibility Consultant we profiled on Irked last month. Well, we’re not the only ones who think Kenny is truly phenomenal (not by a long shot!). Mark J. Belanger, a columnist for The Middleboro Gazette, recently wrote a wonderful, earnest, insightful piece about Kenny’s advocacy work titled Changing the world, one review at a time.
A young autistic boy from Swindon is hoping to challenge perceptions of autism after he created a series of computer games online. Jack Booth, 11, of Beech Avenue, in Pinehurst has been busy creating games to challenge players around the world, reports the Swindon Advertiser. One of Jack’s games – which he says he can create in half an hour – City Of The Dead, is proving a real challenge for worldwide players as nobody has managed to complete the game in over 2,000 attempts. Now Jack hopes his achievements will help to challenge perceptions of autism. ”I would like to show people they shouldn’t be scared to be friends with me,” he told the news provider.
Read the whole article on craegmoor.co.uk >>
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The website jaylenschallenge.org is the dream of a wonderful little 8-year-old boy named Jaylen Arnold. Jaylen suffers from Tourette Syndrome. He wants to educate people about bullying, bringing attention to the difficulties he faces in his day to day living. He hopes to make you laugh, make you cry, but most importantly make you aware that those with disabilities are not only normal—but incredibly special people. With your help and support he can spread the word and teach people to help…not bully.
